Dumb Headlines…
In this season, before holiday madness descends upon us, as the colors of fall fade, we could all use cheering up. I ran across a collection of the dumbest newspaper headlines ever (note: none of the papers that publish my column would every do anything this dumb). These are reminders that no matter your intentions, you can fail to get your message across:
“Homicide Victims Rarely Talk to Police.” – Rarely? When do they talk to police?
“’We Hate Math’ Say 4 in 10 – A Majority of Americans.” – Fractions are not covered in journalism math class.
“Breathing Oxygen Linked to Staying Alive.” – In other news, lungs are named essential organs.
“Statistics Show Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly after Age 25.” – Probably after age nineteen, too.
“Marijuana Issue Sent to Joint Committee.” – Not a smart move.
“China May Be Using Sea to Hide Submarines.” – Or they could use the mountains.
“Federal Agents Raid Gun Shop, Find Weapons.” – I bet they found what they expected.
“Man Kills Himself and Runs Away.” – “Hello, 911? I want to report a missing body.”
“A Nuclear Explosion Would Be a Disaster.” – Most nuclear explosions are.
“World Bank Says Poor Need More Money.” – I wonder how many economists researched this report.
“Bugs Flying Around with Wings are Flying Bugs.” – And bugs without wings can be squashed.
“One-Armed Man Applauds Kindness of Strangers.” – Now that is just cruel.
“Bridges Help People Cross Rivers.” – Unless you prefer to swim.
“Northfield Plans to Plan Strategic Plan.” – Wonder when the planning meeting is.
“Rooms with Broken Air Conditioners are Hot.” - Talk about a hot news flash.
“State Population to Double by 2040; Babies to Blame.” - The mutants are off the hook.
“Greenland Meteorite May Be From Space.” – Or it might be a giant earth pimple, and Dr. Pimple Popper needs to be called.
“Survey Finds Fewer Deer After Hunt.” - This is important news. Just because the guys are going hunting, does not always mean they are finding.
“Barbershop Singers Bring Joy to School for the Deaf.” – Not sure that is a good match of performer and audience.
“Woman Missing Since She Got Lost.” - That’s the way it usually starts.
“Most Earthquake Damage is Caused by Shaking.” – And what is the rest caused by?
“Students Cook and Serve Grandparents.” – When asked how her grandparents were, one student replied, “Kind of tough.”
“Scientists Kill Ducks to See Why They are Dying.” – Call it a hunch, but I think I know.
“Miracle Cure Kills Fifth Patient.” – Let’s refamiliarize ourselves with the definition of the word “cure.”
“Yellow Object Spotted in the Sky.” – It also rises in the east and goes down in the west.
“Prisoner Serving 2,000 Years Could Face More Time.” – But who will be around to remember to let him out?
“Man Found Dead in Graveyard.” – I bet he had plenty of company.
I believe God is the author of laughter. He gave this gift so we could have a lift in the hard seasons of life. Remember to let his joy lift your soul.